Clockwork Dreams

In fact, I may have two legitimate disorders. But it’s all just speculation at this point. I still think I likely don’t… which might be silly… anyway!

Let us first examine the one termed “Emotional Detachment“, using Wikipedia as a source text.

Emotional detachment in the first sense above often arises from psychological trauma and is a component in many anxiety and stress disorders. The person, while physically present, moves elsewhere in the mind, and in a sense is “not entirely present”, making them sometimes be seen as preoccupied or distracted. In other cases, the person may seem fully present but operate merely intellectually when emotional connection would be appropriate. This may present an extreme difficulty in giving or receiving empathy and can be related to the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder.

Thus, such detachment is often not as outwardly obvious as other psychiatric symptoms; people with this problem often have emotional systems that are in overdrive. They have a hard time being a loving family member. They avoid activities, places, and people associated with any traumatic events they have experienced. The dissociation can also lead to lack of attention and, hence, to memory problems and in extreme cases, amnesia.

Now we will do a symptom checklist!

• The person moves elsewhere in the mind, making them sometimes be seen as preoccupied or distracted. – not really
• In other cases, the person may seem fully present but operate merely intellectually when emotional connection would be appropriate. – YES. Sometimes.
• people with this problem often have emotional systems that are in overdrive – yep
• They have a hard time being a loving family member. – yep
• They avoid activities, places, and people associated with any traumatic events they have experienced. – yep
• can also lead to lack of attention and, hence, to memory problems – definitely

5 out of 6 for emotional detachment? Making a pretty good case so far. Now, let’s see, component of anxiety and stress disorders…

Social anxiety disorder!

In cognitive models of social anxiety disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberately go over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer. Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and many studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.

• experience dread over how they will be presented to others – yep
• may be overly self-conscious – not especially
• pay high self-attention after the activity – HOLY CRAP YES.
• have high performance standards for themselves – yep
• a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so – pretty much spot on, although less “well-mannered” and more “likable”
• Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberately go over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. – I do this with literally every single situation involving people. Every. Single. Situation. All the time.
• After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. – Always.
• Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. – Yep.
• These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer. – Yep.
• Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook – I couldn’t say; if I’m remembering it negatively, then I don’t know it was actually neutral or ambiguous.

8 out of 10 for the cognitive model of SAD. Lookin’ pretty good there.

Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal “shyness” as it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Possible physical symptoms include “mind going blank”, fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache, nausea and gagging. Cognitive distortions are a hallmark, and learned about in CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy). Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate.

• a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others – yeah, all of them.
• and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing – pretty often, yep.
• It exceeds normal “shyness” as it leads to excessive social avoidance – definitely
• and substantial social or occupational impairment – Probably? Let’s say no to be on the safe side.
• Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction – yes, all of them. (Okay to be fair, small groups of people who I know well are not scary.)
• Possible physical symptoms include:
• “mind going blank” – I like to think of it as “deer in the headlights”. i.e. yes.
• fast heartbeat – yep
• blushing – heck yes
• stomach ache – hmm not really
• nausea – only on some occasions
• gagging – no, thank goodness.
• Thoughts are often self-defeating and inaccurate. – Self-defeating I can attest to. Inaccurate? I don’t know. Some people tell me so? Doesn’t mean they’re right.

Counting the physical symptoms each separately, that’s either 8 or 9 out of 12. That’s… also a pretty close match.

Soooo… yeah… pretty good evidence I have an emotional detachment thingie spawned from social anxiety, right?

BUT THAT’S JUST PART ONE!!!

Now we get to look at something called “cyclothymia“, which appears to basically just be a fancy name for a (relatively speaking) mild location on the bipolar spectrum. But let us be precise and quote from Wikipedia some more:

“[It] is a mood disorder that causes hypomanic and mild depressive episodes. It is defined in the bipolar spectrum. To be specific, this disorder is a milder form of bipolar II disorder, consisting of recurrent mood disturbances between hypomania and dysthymic mood.”

That’s all lovely but what exactly are hypomania and a dysthmic mood?

Dysthymic phase
Symptoms of the dysthmic phase include difficulty making decisions, problems concentrating, poor memory recall, guilt, self-criticism, low self-esteem, pessimism, self-destructive thinking, continuously feeling sad, apathy, hopelessness, helplessness, irritability, quick temper, lack of motivation, social withdrawal, appetite change, lack of sexual desire, self-neglect, fatigue, and insomnia.

Euphoric phase
Symptoms of the euphoric phase include unusually good mood or cheerfulness (euphoria), extreme optimism, inflated self-esteem, poor judgment, rapid speech, racing thoughts, aggressive or hostile behavior, being inconsiderate of others, agitation, increased physical activity, risky behavior, spending sprees, increased drive to perform or achieve goals, increased sexual drive, decreased need for sleep, tendency to be easily distracted, inability to concentrate.

I’m not even going to do a checklist on this. Why? Because it is a perfect match. We’re talking about me frequently having mood episodes that match every single one of the symptoms for one of those phases. Not half. Not even all but one. All of them.

Honestly, that’s the strongest case for my having a disorder that I’ve seen so far. I mean if you follow me on twitter, you can probably even identify when I’m having one of these phases without much effort. If you know me in person, it’s probably even easier.

The euphoric phases don’t last as long, though, because eventually I will notice the inconsiderate behavior and it will trigger my social anxiety and I’ll freak out and flip into the dysthmic phase. I’m not even exaggerating or trying to make a point. That is literally exactly what happens. And it happens at least once a week.

Oh! And look at this!

“The same genes may contribute to depression and anxiety.”

Both my dad and my sister have depression and anxiety issues, and my sister is even diagnosed and taking medication for it!

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This entry was posted by Inventrix on Monday, January 24th, 2011 at 19:50 and is filed under Self. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.